my parents...
[26.03.2007]
somethings set me thinking todae... im nt blogging bout daily life le.. im talking bout sth's on my mind...
Sometimes I just feel so unfilial. My parents are slogging so hard just so to let us lead a good life. What we kids do is to complain, ask for lots of WANTS and NEVER appreciated what they have done for us.
Let me share some incidents.
My dad-a tough person on the surface but soft hearted person at heart. He works in a factory. As a failed child, I don't know his specific job scope until today, my mum told me. His job was to carry very heavy metal thing, move them to a side, pour somethings out, and carry back. He has to stand at least 10 hours everyday, carrying heavy metals. Today, while he was in the room, he suddenly told mum this,"I'm very tired. I don't like night shifts. I'm lethargic." Can you imagine? He's a person who keeps everything to himself, and he actually told mum this. This shows how much he has suffered, because of US. My heart just broke into pieces when I heard this. His bones (leg) were getting weird. They are slanting. The veins are popping out. Yet, he did not complain in front of us. I've always dislike my dad for he doesn't really care about us, but, only today when I started thinking about it that I know he actually does.
During my Japan trip in 2005, he was the one who wanted to call me badly. He was the one who actually worried alot when the news reported on the typhoon going on in Japan. He was the one who missed me the most but did not say out. This is my dad. He's always like that. He keeps his love in himself. He doesn't express himself well. I've failed as his daughter. I never knew he cared for us so much, so much.
My mum-a very motherly person, who slogged her life for us. Really is slogging. She saves up extremely hard just to meet our never ending wants. BUT, we never appreciated that. All we do is just spend and spend and spend, then ask her for some more money. Often, she'll nag at us for spending so much money. I always quarrel with her over this issue. I always say things that stabbed her heart so hard that she felt so hurt. I never notice her unhappiness. She is a woman. Which woman in this world do not like dressing up? NONE. But, she has no accessories, for years, no new clothes, nothing at all. She'd rather let us have the money to buy OUR things. We've never thought for her. She's a woman too. We only think for ourselves. Again, I failed as her daughter. I've NEVER try understanding her position.
She is really a very good mother. When I was in primary school, I always forgot to bring my books. I was flustered. I called her immediately. She came running to school with my book, no complains at all. It may be very dramatic but I can tell you, even in the rain, she'll be running to save me from teachers' scoldings. When I was in secondary school, during Chinese O level exam. I forgot to bring my IC, not even EZLink. First person I thought of is HER. I waited so impatiently at the gate. When I saw her, my heart was...... At those moments when I see her running to my rescue, I was really touched, I really felt like crying. I love her so much, but I never tell her my feelings.
She has suffered alot in her life. She has an unhappy family background. Her father ran off, leaving her mum with 7 children. She started working since very young. She was very close to my grandma(her mum). Last year, grandma passed away. She did not express her unhappiness in front of us. I know she needed someone to talk to. I wasn't there for her. Neither were my siblings. I don't know what are we doing. She often tell me that she feels that her body is getting weaker and weaker as time passes. My reply was always," Haha.. ", that's all. I don't know what are we doing. They treated us as their kids. BUT, have we ever showed them we love them as our parents? NO.
I've always think of the day when both of them leave us. I'm really afraid. But I did not tell them. I've grown so reliant on them that I have no courage to lose them. Without them, I really don't know how my life would go. I don't want to lose them. BUT, I know they will go one day. When that day comes, I think I won't be able to think anymore. I don't know. I'm really afraid to lose them. I love them, BUT, I just can't bring myself to tell them. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR US. I REALLY APPRECIATE. I WANT TO BE YOUR PERFECT CHILD, BUT I'M AFRAID I CAN'T. I JUST WANT YOU TO BE MY PARENTS FOREVER AND EVER.
How do I?